Living at Opposite Extremes

I often find myself being attracted to, or fascinated with, opposite extremes in life, either in myself or in other people. I don't know where the desire to belong in both extremes comes from, or if other people really feel the same way or not. Although it seems like the solution might be something like an average, instead I either seem to live in one extreme and pine for the other, or live partly in both, swinging back and forth with time, or perhaps "being" at one extreme around one set of people, and another extreme around others.

What are some examples of some extremes?

Clothing and dress: I think people who dress with a lot of personal style are really cool. I'm not particular on what the style is, as long as it's sort of a unified approach. They have some idea about what kind of thing is appealing to them, and they follow it to it's logical end. This might be wearing nice, well tailored suits, or it might be forging a "look" out of sort of random items. I'd love to be able to do it myself, but I don't. What I wear is just a random assortment of clothes which are more or less acceptible in most of the places I need or want to be. I don't have the patience to pay attention to my clothes. I don't like to shop, I don't like to wash or press clothes, I don't like to think about what to wear today. So although I'd like to have an outstanding wardrobe, I don't want to get or maintain one.

Other personal physical expressions: I sometimes think the idea of having piercing, tatoos, odd hairstyles or colors to be an interesting idea. But somehow it's not convetional, depending on age and where you work, etc. A lot of the dichtomies that face me fall into this category, the conventional versus the unconventional. I like people who have some degree of unconventionality. At the same time, I fear that if I make myself unconventional, I won't be well accepted. Being conventional, being like other people, is a calming thing, it makes people believe that you share something in common, that they understand you. Although this is probably false, it makes it easier to get over the hump of getting to know someone, and friendships can develop from there. On the other hand, unconventional can mean unapproachable. People might assume that I'm not like them, that they won't like me, or I won't like them. So I might never meet and become friends with someone, merely because the first time they saw me I was wearing a nice suit with short pants. It's not just conventional people that might stay away from me, other individualists might also. After all, they're kind of likely to be individual in their own way. In some ways, I think the quality of the people I could attract would be better if I was more accurate in expressing my personality, or that the hit-rate of people I like to people I meet might be better. But I might miss out on some great people that just don't want to put the effort into it.

And although I like unconventional people, I don't always choose them to be my friends. I know it's going to be harder with them. They may not get along with my other friends. My parents might not like them. I might have to defend them to someone else, or defend one of my other friends to them. They're wild cards. Wouldn't it be easier, for example, to find a girlfriend that would be well accepted by most of the people I meet, so that I didn't constantly have to fight society? I don't know. Good things are worth fighting for. If I was already in love with someone really different, it wouldn't matter. But before that, in the stages of getting to know someone, it's harder to decide ahead of time to make a sacrifice. You don't know if the person is really worth it or not. So maybe I tend to look harder at people that I know would fit into my life as it is now.

Speech and Action: On the one hand, I consider myself a pacifist. I've never hit anyone, with the possible exception of my sister when we were younger. And I might go through life without ever really hitting anyone. I think it's immoral to kill anyone, for pretty much any reason. At the same time, I think it would be great to be a contract killer. I want to be completely inside, or completely outside, of a moral frame. This is not a juxtaposition between moral and immoral, in my opinion, but rather between moral and amoral, or without morality.

Art and Engineering: I feel drawn to both of these. Some people might say that you're really one or the other. I work in computer-related fields, I have a degree in electrical engineering. I love computers and in some ways I'm a total geek about them, it's not always just work for me. On the other hand, I love photography, both looking at it and making photographs. I love music, both listening to it, and playing it. I love reading. I don't think I'm a great writer and I'm not sure I enjoy it, but it's my only way of talking to you. Whoever you are. I sometimes feel like I can't embrace these things fully. I don't try to explain my feelings about art, literature, and music with people who are in my engineering frame-of-reference, and I don't try to explain computers to people I know mainly in the art frame. So I am a different person to different people. Some people I work with probably don't even know about the other side of me. And people I've taken photography classes with, or met outside of work, might not know how much time and effort I put into things like this website. Although this website is the most likely place for the frames to mix in me, since it's a collection of photography, commentary, books I like, and of course is the result of my interest and ability with computers and engineering.

Spiritualism and Atheism: I couldn't really be termed atheist, since that implies that I know that there is no god. I don't think it can be known, it must be an article of faith. I have a good deal of respect for spirituality. I don't know how to interface with the divine, so when I think about religion and spirituality, I tend to evaluate it in how it affects the corporeal existence of the people involved in it. More specifically, how does it affect their life, how does it affect their interaction with me and other people? What does it make them do? It seems to be genuinely positive to have strong religious beliefs. It seems to give strength and guidance. Does certainty flow from religion, or is religion only made possible by certainty? Whatever it is, I can't seem to make it there. It's a matter of faith, and I simply don't believe. Whatever god there was would not be fooled. But I'm not atheist, as I said before. I can't derive comfort from knowing there's a god, or knowing there's not. I don't know what'll happen to me when I die. I end up having to defend myself to everyone, theists and atheists alike.

It makes me wonder... do other people know something I don't know? They seem so damned sure. Do they feel the same emotions I feel, but label that "certainty" and I don't, or do they feel something extra, that I've never experienced, that helps them see some kind of internal truth? People who are certain are little help. All they can really tell me is that they just know. Or they couldn't imagine it any other way. Maybe my imagination is too good.

This document last modified: Sunday, August 08, 2004

me@rustybrooks.com